Monday, March 24, 2014

Praise Jesus: An Exclusive Look at the FBI's Todashev Investigation

It’s been ten months since Ibragim Todashev was killed in his apartment while being interrogated by an FBI agent and two Massachusetts State Police officers. During that time, wild-eyed conspiracy theorists have engaged in irresponsible speculation based on the most minor of details. Some tinfoil hats have even gone so far as to suggest that the FBI agent who killed Todashev might have wanted him dead, simply because: 1) Todashev was interrogated in his own home and shot seven times, including once in the top of the head; 2) the FBI keeps changing its story and has claimed at different times that Todashev charged the agent with a knife, a pole, a pipe, a broom and a ceremonial sword; and 3) since his death, Todashev’s friends have been systematically harassed, arrested, and deported

Fortunately, the FBI has conducted its own internal investigation of the shooting with the thoroughness we’ve come to expect from the agency that has left no stone unturned in clearing its agents of 150 consecutive shootings. And while the FBI has not yet announced its findings with regards to Todashev’s unfortunate death, Fire Tom Friedman was able to obtain a copy of the still-classified report, a portion of which is produced below. At the FBI’s request, FTF has changed the names of the law enforcement personnel involved to appropriate pseudonyms.

On May 21, 2013, Special Agent Jesus of the Boston FBI Office and Officers Stellar and Awesome of the Massachusetts State Police traveled to Orlando for their annual trip escorting blind kids to Disney World. The following day, after tucking in the exhausted, smiling children, the three men decided to hit a local animal shelter to see if they could score some puppies for the kids. On the way there, their vehicle was cut off by a weaving Ibragim Todashev, who taunted them before speeding off. Concerned, they decided to forgo the animal shelter and began following Mr. Todashev’s vehicle. When Mr. Todashev pulled into an apartment complex and got out of his car, Special Agent Jesus approached him.

Todashev began cursing and gesticulating wildly but his demeanor changed as soon as Special Agent Jesus identified himself. “FBI? Oh man. Do I have some shit to tell you,” remarked Mr. Todashev. Special Agent Jesus urged him not to speak to law enforcement without a lawyer present but Mr Todashev insisted that the men come into his apartment. 

As soon as they were inside, Mr. Todashev broke down crying and said, “I miss my best friend Tamarlan Tsarnaev so much. You know the guy I mean? He bombed the Boston Marathon. We were very close – we did everything together.”

Special Agent Jesus consoled Mr. Todashev and gave him a big hug. While Mr. Todashev cried on Jesus’ shoulder, he sobbed, “When I say we did everything together, I really mean it. One time we killed 3 pot dealers in Waltham, Massachusetts.”
“Whoa, slow down,” said Special Agent Jesus. “You really need to stop right now and call a lawyer. Anything you tell me can be used against you in a court of law!” But Mr. Todashev insisted on describing in great detail how he and Mr. Tsarnaev committed the Waltham murders.  

Editors note: At the FBI’s request, we are not publishing Todashev’s description of the Waltham murders because doing so would undermine an ongoing investigation and also probably help terrorists kill some people. All you need to know is that Todashev and Tamarlan Tsarnaev are guilty of triple homicide.

Special Agent Jesus noticed that Mr. Todashev was looking dehydrated after his confession so he asked Officer Awesome to go the store and buy some PowerAde. A short time later, Special Agent Jesus noticed Mr. Todashev looked hungry so he sent Officer Stellar out for sandwiches. When Mr. Todashev was alone with Special Agent Jesus, he said, “I feel a special bond with you. I want to show you my most prized possession.

Mr. Todashev walked to a closet and pulled out a long metal pole. Attached to one end was a sharp blade. “This is a ceremonial Chechen weapon. We call it a knife-pipe. My grandmother made it for me. Isn’t it beautiful? It also comes with a broom attachment.”

After the men admired the knife-pipe’s craftsmanship, they resumed their conversation. Mr. Todashev continued to hold the knife-pipe.

Mr. Todashev said he wanted to sign a confession. Special Agent Jesus said he wouldn’t allow Mr. Todashev to do that without talking to a lawyer first. Mr. Todashev was furious. “I don’t deserve a lawyer. I’m a triple murderer,” he screamed as he charged Special Agent Jesus with the knife-pipe.

“Every American has a right to an attorney,” said Special Agent Jesus. “Please stop hitting me with the knife-pipe or I’ll have to shoot you, Ibby.

When Mr. Todashev didn’t stop, Special Agent Jesus reluctantly pulled his gun and shot him 6 times. Each bullet was expertly placed so as to slow Mr. Todashev without delivering a fatal blow. Mr. Todashev fell to the floor.

But as Special Agent Jesus called for medical assistance, Mr. Todashev rose to his feet. “I don’t want to live with what I’ve done. That’s why I’m committing suicide-by-FBI agent,” he screamed as he lowered his head and charged Special Agent Jesus once again. Mr. Todashev head-butted Special Agent Jesus’ gun, causing it to discharge in the top of his head. Special Agent Jesus burst into tears as he realized the man he’d come to regard as his flawed-brother was now dead.

Editor’s note. Hopefully this obviously true account will put all the conspiracy theories to rest. Tune in next week for another Fire Tom Friedman exclusive, when Special Agent Jesus travels to Chechnya to return the knife-pipe to Todashev’s grandmother and ask her forgiveness even though he did nothing wrong.  (If you’re wondering why the FBI hasn’t been able to produce the knife-pipe, this is the story for you!)

4 comments:

  1. this is too funny. sad, but true!

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  2. OMG I love this man bahahah

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  3. Well, to be fair, items from the future are now showing up in random locations at a disturbingly increasing rate, without being specifically requested by the people by or near whom they are showing up. So it's possible the Chechen knife-pipe story was falsely constructed, because as we're seeing more and more the actual truthful reality part is too unbelievable to be believed. Even though it's true. So he made up that part maybe. And because of it being an artifact of future-type technologies, it may probably have that multi-use shape-shifting design thing, making it very difficult for present-bound agents of legal law enforcement agencies to accurately describe them in terms of right-now description. Because they're not from here, the items, not the agents.
    Plus it's okay to lie about anything you have to if you're the good guys don't forget. Or even if you're just someone who would like to be a good guy, someday. That is in the rules, very specifically stated.

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  4. OH, that explains everything! But wasn't the Chechen's weapon actually a knife broomstick coffee table ninja sword with a broken handle metal pole? I even heard someone claim it had a feather duster feature, but that's just silly.

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